Rape

On Crimewatch this week they featured a rape on the Trans Pennine Trail at Elsecar, near Barnsley. I am so so so glad that wasn't me ... I didn't actually go that way but I now realise what I did was quite a risk. The woman even had her dog with her - I had nothing. I walked through so many woods and miles and miles of meeting nobody at all - I was really quite stupid. However, I LOVED my walk.

Stifficate

I now have a laminated certificate to verify that I slogged 215 miles across the country, and very smart it is too. I'm pleased to say it doesn't have an andendum of "By the way she took the train for that bit, and a bus there and that little bit there she missed out completely as she was gallavanting with Transvestites in Manchester." I am proud of my certificate and have displayed it for all to see.

A bit run down

I collected my car and the reason why it went wrong was flat battery from lack of use. So my resolution to walk more and drive less cost me dear. There needs to be some compromise here. Idea: I am now a member of the National Trust so I will drive my car to NT houses and walk around the grounds. Good for both of us.

Driving myself mad

I have been very non car usery since the Big Walk and vow to drive only for very necessary journeys. I needed materials for latest arty project, cow mending, so I went to get them in my car which then went all wrong. Its roof refused to close and I had to go all the way to Wandsworth to get it fixed and it had to stay there in car hospital. The good thing that came about from this was the long walk home - only because Mr Smith had stolen my oyster card. I took the Riverside Walk which gets a bit unriversidy in parts due to the buildings hogging the river frontage. I needed a good walk and it was an excellent impromptu stroll.

Walking on

I trundled round Richmond Park and then Wimbledon Common and I think if I managed this a few days a week I'd keep up the good work. Of course it is now stupidly hot and walking anywhere further than the fridge for a refreshing glass of iced water (or wine) is out of the question. It is all a matter of remembering how it used to be when walks were such hard work and now are a bit of a doddle. I absolutely love walking and must remember to do lots often and not let the everything else take over. Mr Smith says I look thinner and fitter but then Mr Smith says all sorts of stupid things.

Honey I'm Home

Oh the joys of not having to don my horrible walking boots and hoof across the country. I want to stay in bed all day, every day and sip tea and read trashy books supported by big pillows in my gorgeous comfortable bed with my gorgeous comfortable dog. However, I am really very fit at the moment and I feel it would be a waste not to use this fitness and let it subside back into malaise. I am also a bit thinner as my tighter trousers do up much better; they don't actually fit but they're much nearer their goal of going round me.

I must plan a few walks. I must not become my old lazy self again as I can now easily manage a walk that was a major effort before my Big Walk. I have joined the National Trust and will find some stately homes and gardens and grounds and maybe places I can take the dog. In the meantime I am going swimming.

Aintree to the End

I went from Liverpool to Aintree, where I spent the night but didn't see any racehorses, then to Old Roan to find I had to come back to Liverpool in order to get the right train towards Southport, the final destination of Mrs Smith's Big Walk. I could have walked but it was 5 hours of railway track and I really wanted to walk along the coast and have time to see Southport. I went to Ainsdale and got lost on the sand dunes until I thought "Hang on a minute, where's the Irish Sea?" I found the beach like an enormous desert stretching out before me. In the far far distance was something that looked like cliffs - it was the sea with big waves. I only knew it was the sea as there was an oil rig in it. I walked towards Southport with the wind whipping the stinging sand against my legs and after about two hours could see Blackpool in the far distance. Where was the sea? I arrived at the coastguard's hut on the beach. Hello I've walked all the way from Hull "The band's just left but welcome to Southport" says our witty man. He tells me the tide won't change for a long time now so Southport will be without sea for a few weeks maybe even til autumn. Then when the tide does come in it goes all over the sea wall and across the road. We are talking about water so far away you couldn't actually see it.

I found the end of the Trans Pennine Trail marker. Theirs revolves - Hornsea's doesn't. I then felt triumphant at my 215 miles (with a bit of trains) and went to the lawnmower museum to celebrate. Then back to the lovely South, my lovely dog, boys and of course, Mr Smith.

Widnes to Liverpool

With the chemical works of Runcorn and Widnes as my backdrop I left my charming boarding establishment (the rough pub) to try my luck at finding something to eat at Hale Village. You could have rough breakfast but you needed to have ordered it the day before - oh - and the everything else looked exceedingly unappealing and rather hard work. Of course Hale Village offered nothing whatsoever in the cafe department. It was a church and a post office and a bus stop where I duly caught a bus to Liverpool which gave me a head start on Mother Rita, my mother-in-law.

The very expensive hotel was rather disappointing. I changed our rooms for ones with a view as ordered and they did kindly give me free breakfast - maybe they sensed how starving I was. I met Mother Rita at 1pm and we museumed and sight saw. Liverpool is a great city with magnificent buildings. The Liver Birds, two cormorants perched on the top of the two towers on the Liver Building, are tied on to prevent them flying away. It's not too Beetles mad and we didn't have take a Furry across the Mersey. We took a train to Port Sunlight which has one of the best art galleries I have ever visited.

Cheshire

After Manchester I trudged towards Liverpool staying in a vile B&B on a farm near Altrincham. It wasn't vile really but seemed to have inadequate bathroom facilities for the guests - only one bathroom containing the one loo, all in bright turquoise. And the lock was rubbish so I barged in on a rather surprised older lady. I met her and her niece at breakfast and we had a good bitch about the place. They looked so nice before I got to them. The woman who ran the place obviously didn't like me and resented showing me round when I arrived as she was missing Wimbledon. It went downhill from there as I sat in the wrong place at breakfast - I wasn't allowed a placemat as I wasn't having cooked breakfast. I soon sorted that out. The dining room smelt of cat. I asked her husband for directions and she constantly told him he was getting it all wrong. Actually, thank you Mr B&B, your directions were great and I am sorry your wife is so ugly.

I walked through posh Cheshire and along the Manchester Ship Canal until it became the Mersey. The pubs were few and far between and closed. I eventually staggered the last few miles along the Mersey to the shite hole of a town Widnes. The pub where I was staying looked very rough at the end of a terraced street. My room was nice with a spectacular view of the Runcorn Bridge right outside my window. However, there were no eateries of any sort and the streets looked like the kind of place you'd get mugged. I went to bed hungry.

Claudia and the Trannies

I met the Lovely Claudia at Stockport, a great market town with a hat museum. We hatted then went to Manchester for a two day break from the walk. Weehee. We met transvestites, stayed in the most comfortable hotel in the world and did much culture, as one does. It was brill.

Royston Vasey

Rivers were followed, pubs visited, mountains staggered over and county boundaries crossed. I left Yorkshire through Woodhead Pass into Derbyshire. Oh I am so so so pleased I decided to do this walk from East to West as I was going downhill for the really steep bits. I don't think my backpack and I would ever have made it up. I spoke to a cyclist who told me they prefer up as going down having to break all the way or carrying your bike is very difficult.

I stayed in Hadfield, also known as Royston Vasey as this is where they shot League of Gentlemen (which I have never seen but had to pretend I knew all about it). It has a sign saying You will never leave. When I got to the station I saw that you really could never leave as it's single track and there a buffers at the end which seemed odd and it was not the last station on the line. They must shunt a lot. I went to Glossop, off the trail but I was interested to see this little market town - very uninteresting and not as pretty as its name.

I then walked to Broadbottom and got lost. Now in Cheshire and being stared at by nasty scarecrows outside every building, I walked towards Stockport and got lost again - twice in one day. I turned round and I found my destination, Haughton Green, through a lovely wood by a river and canal and over a bridge and up beside a church that looked like a tudor house. The hotel was no great shakes but it did look quite pretty. My walk was long and I slept well.

Madly walking

It didn't rain after that. In fact it has been baking every day and I am brown with sunburnt legs. I followed the Humber then the Ouse through Howden to Selby then onto Snaith following a canal towards Doncaster where I met my mother-in-law at a castle on the route. I have subsequently followed the River Dearne then the Dove to end up in Silkstone Common, the home of Mr Smith's family. I have probably done about 120 miles so far and I am looking forward to doing more. I really love this walk. I average 2.5 mph and can walk up to 10 miles a day with ease. The Yorkshire countryside is so beautiful and there are constant surprises. People are so friendly and the typical conversation goes along the lines of "How far have you come?" From Hull. "Ooll, thou must be barmy woman walking all that way." I used to think that about walkers. Who'd want to walk when you can take a perfectly good train? But now I'm hooked.

Sludgy Brough

For anyone who might wish to know, the Transpennine Trail is closed between North Ferriby and Brough for drainage or summat. Anyway, it doesn't tell you this so you have to take an ENORMOUS diversion right round an airfield. Prior to this you have to sludge through Humber mud as the riverside is almost impassable. I staggered and am now trying to work out how to demuddify my boots in a hotel bathroom full of white fluffy towels.

Today I leave Hull, a city I have come to love, and wend my way to Howden then on to Selby leaving the River Humber for the Ouse, though I have a sneaking suspicion they are one of the same.

It's raining.

Hull to Hessle

It was a blistering hot day and I left my walk to the afternoon when it got even hotter. This walk looked quite promising on the map. The best part was walking over the warehouse roofs looking over Hull and along the coast at the Humber Bridge in the far distance - my destination. After that it was all industrial wasteland of old fishery buildings, now boarded up or in decay, followed by a retail park of the B&Q variety. When it turned the corner and I thought "Oh goody lovely riverside stroll" it was in fact a trudge along the groovy A63 with thundering lorries to Hessle. I found the unmanned station (the ticket office is now a diving shop) and waited dutifully for 10 minutes for the train which never came. I phoned train enquiries in India, as one does, to ask when it might appear. About an hour and a half later it slowly dragged its arse into the station then to Hull. At least nobody made any attempt to sell me a ticket; I might have hit them. Today promises to be better.

The First 17 miles .... and counting

I set off from Beverley by bus to Hornsea. Hornsea is a nice little seaside town like East Wittering with sandier beach. I waited ages at the pinnacle marking the start of the Trans Pennine Trail for someone to pass by and take my photo. I found a nice school teacher - dreadful photographer. Oh well, at least I can prove I was there and not actually at a Spa somewhere for a couple of weeks pretending to be walking across Britain.

Hornsea to Hull was mostly pretty dull and straight except for the bit where I got lost at the beginning around the Mere. I'm glad I did or I might have missed it. I stopped at a horrible pub for lunch and whizzed on wiothout eating. I was still quite full from my fry up at Tesco by the bus station in Beverley. (I don't recommend it as much of the food was cold.)

I was very surpised how much ground I covered so quickly. I covered about 17 miles. The last 3 miles were pretty tortuous and I gave up when I had obviously gone a bit wrong and was on a main road outside an enormous Asda. I took a taxi back to the hotel and fell straight into a bath of tepid water with no soap. Words were had with reception and all is now well. I am not too knackered though I am hideously sunburnt.

Today is site seeing in Hull and a 5 mile walk to Hessle with drawing. I am bursting to draw but somehow I haven't had a chance yet. My sketchbook awaits my attention.

Coast to coast

Today's the Day. Hornsea to Southport, here I come. I have packed my backpack, tried it on, fallen over, repacked it with only half the things and staggered around the bedroom thinking "Well, I'll soon get used to it." I can't take less. I am down to the teeniest toothpaste, the most micro sized deodorant, the lightest fold up shoes, no jersey ... I will be quite warm enough lugging around the stupid backpack. I can always throw away my clothes if I really can't bear the weight but then what will I wear? I now understand why tramps smell.

I hope the dog and Mr Smith and the Student and Apprentice all miss me. Do you think they'll remember to water the garden? Hopefully it will rain down Souf.

Ooooh I am so excited. My adventure.

To do or die

Christ, only one more day til I get on my train to Hull. That is Hull not Hell. So much for my great training programme where I would get so fit I could easily do 20 miles. I am still staggering to the corner shop and that's without pack. I really haven't walked nearly enough. My absolute top whack is 10 miles. I might walk this afternoon but I might make a birthday cake for the Apprentice and then lie comatose on the sofa. It is Sunday and that's what I like to do on a Sunday. Everyone else goes walking.

Going it alone

Am I an intrepid adventurer or completely bonkers or just a sad git off on my walking holiday by myself? Well, what I am doing does carry an element of risk but, as Mr Smith pointed out to me, I am not trekking in the Himalayas in search of Shangri La, only the Pennine Trail in search of Barnsley. I was talking to Designer Susan yesterday and we agreed that much of it would be sketching and taking public transport with light strolling and a few really good walks thrown in along the way. My big enemy will be rain although I do have a lovely flowery pacamac with hood.

I am compiling my packing list.... sketchbook & pencils, socks, pants, barclaycard. That just about covers it. The more I take the more I have to carry so I am being really really mean on myself.

Nearly there

I have now ditched some weight. Eating less, painting more.

I am off today to the sea where, tomorrow morning, I will perform the final training walk before the Big Walk. It's nearly upon us and I am going shopping for essential items such as socks and a water bottle. Then I'm all set for the journey oop north and my first detour which is Beverley. This isn't part of the walk but, seeing as I'll be so close, it seems a shame to miss it.

Am I excited? You bet.

Splash

Time for a bit of cross training - a leisurely float in the swimming pool. I haven't been all week because it was half term and I just couldn't face the prospect of swimming through child soup. I like to be contemplative on my swims, at one with my God whilst counting lengths and fighting with my leaky goggles.

Conscientous effort on the diet front has been pretty unrewarding so far but then I did have a Ben & Jerry's ice cream eating contest with the Apprentice last night. And two cupcakes. And a Twirl (both bits). And wine (both lunch and dins). I need a bit of motivation.

Painting steps

I have put some lovely soothing balm on my feet and they're a bit better now. I was so good this morning; I ran out of grey paint for my lions' feet and, instead of leaping into my car and whizzing off to the paint shop, I walked. Luckily I only needed a tiny tin so walking back was fine. The number of times I have walked to places then had to drive back later to pick the shopping up, I have now learnt.

Gosh it's hot today. Lovely and glorious but I am trying to work and the paint keeps drying too fast. I can't go walking because of work and heat.

Fat and Spotty

Am I really really exhausted from that huge walk or from that stupid hangover or from my arduous drive to Northampton and back yesterday to collect three lions for painting, or is it just the glorious hot weather? Maybe I am tired because I got up very early this morning and walked the dog. Whatever it is I am quite ready for an afternoon nap. You won't tell anyone will you?

I am having a little weight problem at the moment. Something has gone terribly wrong and, despite walking miles and miles, I have piled on about a stone. I think it's because I have been sneaking bread into my body which is something I don't normally eat. I will not have any today and I will drink plenty of water and no wine and jump up and down a bit more. I really don't want to do my Big Walk lugging an extra three stone around with me plus my backpack. I have two weeks til kick off so it's concerted effort diet time for me. Also I must squeeze in some more training. My feet have been behaving very badly lately. I think I'm allergic to my boots or maybe they make my feet too hot so I get prickly heat but it's too late to break in a new pair so I am stuck with itchy red spotty feet across Britain.

Flying along

Wow what a walk. I am exhausted. I walked from Kingston to Heathrow on the London Loop with guidebook in hand. I didn't know I was walking to Heathrow but, after Hounslow Heath and following the river Crane for many a mile, I came up to a road to be greeted by lines and lines of British Airways striking planes; I mean their staff are on strike rather than some sort of air attack over Middlesex. Actually, the planes fly so low over your head you find you duck spontaneously.

My walk started at Bushey Park which is quite lovely. The deer are very tame and eat from your hand. They live off an exclusive diet of sandwiches and crisps. There were little skylarks nesting on the ground and a family of swans with 6 cygnets, a treehopper and moorhens and coots and many a beautiful flower and plant and tree as the rhodedendrons are doing their thing.

This walk was very very long and I was pretty near to expiration by the end. I started to get a slight headache so drank gallons of water then needed a pee, as one does. Of course a jogger appeared just as I was about to take my knickers down - there hadn't been a soul around for miles and miles and wasn't afterwards either. Perhaps that Shewee thing would be a good idea after all.

I came back by tube from Hatton Cross. On the train was a visiting Russian couple with two dreadfully loud irritating little boys who couldn't sit still for a second. There was a nasty moment when one of them produced a toy gun ... how the heck did they get that through airport security? I can only assume theirs is someone laxer than ours. I can't wait for them to go home with that in their hand luggage!

Lost walks

I had a walk in mind but I've lost it. I didn't return the foldy page back to its folder of 1001 Walks in Britain after I walked the walk on the other side. I have to find it. Maybe I will walk a different walk but the other ones I have found are in Gloucestershire, Cornwall or Dumfries & Galloway. It's that sort of a book - much geography for small walks.

It looks like a perfect walk day: Weather looks clement, day looks uncluttered, I'm feeling walky. All I need is a destination and I'm off.

Walking books

I'm just about recovered from Friday's walk and am now planning another big wun. I have several walk books. I have 1001 Walks in Britain, but they can be a bit tricky to follow though I have done a few. Then there's the Capital Ring and I have done all of those, some twice. My current favourite is the London Loop featuring huge long walks through suburban London - that's the one I did on Friday. I also have the Thames Path but, to be honest, you don't need a book to follow the Thames. The question is which shall I attempt next? Eeeny meany miney plod.

Ten long miles

Banstead, how I hate Banstead stupid bastard golf course. I'm still lost and I went there yesterday. Eventually, after going completely the wrong way twice following the directions in the book to the letter, I was about to give up when I spotted a walker with the same purple book in hand. I followed him; he fastened his pace thinking I was a hoodie mugger or something but at least I got onto the right track and off that damned golf course. I then walked 10 miles of lovely walk through Ewell and Worcester Park to Kingston. My feet hurt now. There was a horrid unkempt teeny pathway by some sports pitches and I'm very glad I was wearing my combat trousers so I could combat all the brambles and nettles. I also got hijacked by a rival walk which does happen when the signs have been stolen; I managed to rejoin my walk somewhere along a busy main road which if I'd kept to my walk wouldn't have featured. Anyway, ten miles, good eh? It was probably more with the stupid circles I did in Banstead and the getting sidetracked then the dog walk I did when I got home.

Not walking with the one you love

Still angry - very. I couldn't walk because my younger son needed me - Good grief, he's 20, you would have thought this would be over by now but apparently not. Anyway, being Supermum, I put away my OS map of very long walks and rushed off to Farnham to sort him out. I wish I had a Mum like me. Really, I do. I am so very very nice and kind and I take cakes and buy lunches I really don't want and chat because chatting with your kids is important, more important than training for your forthcoming cross country walk.

Cross country

I don't know where my walking has gone but it seems to have dwindled a bit. I am very cross today ... don't ask but it was triggered off by my selfish cow of a mother, Mr Smith being unsympathetic and the Apprentice being vague. Tomorrow I am planning a big one. Honest guv. But I don't want to take my pack and I ought to. Perhaps I'll do half load. If things go according to plan it should be 10 miles and get rid of a load of brewing anger and frustration. You'll spot me - the one with tears streaming down her face staring through a blur of red fury.

I have applied for a National Trust Card so I can Nationally Trust. I've found quite a few good training walks that are at, to, from or by a NT house or garden. This is a good way to get your money's worth from the NT and get walking at the same time - I just think of everything, me!

Whacked

Didn't walk. Gardened. Now I'm stiff and scratched. I would walk today but it's very very hot and I'm feeling a little fragile due to over indulgence and imbibement of tinctures at Jane's lovely birthday bash last night. Maybe this evening.

Dog pants

I didn't think I'd have much time for walking but I managed Barnes to Putney due to a) getting lost and b) a bit of a bus shortage. I then marched the dogs to the Windmill on Wimbledon Common - they like that because there are bowls of water and dog germs put out for them. They did get very hot and panty. My dog is just too hairy for sweaty walks, he prefers a cooler evening stroll.

I would love to walk to the garden centre but how would I get all the flowers home? Walking is great if that's all you're doing. I'll do another big un tomorrow - maybe Sensible Alison will come too.

Carpet shuffle

I would walk but I am waiting in for the new hoover to be delivered. When it comes I will walk massively all around my house hoovering away like mad. I've seen cleaner fields than our carpets.

I walked to Putney yesterday - oh hang on a minute, no I didn't, I took the bus Gus. Oh well, I meant to walk but I was wearing posh clothes. I must get some lightweight shoes that are good for walking but aren't trainers. Perhaps I should walk to Kingston and find some.

Twelve good miles

Brill walk, about 12 miles in total. It didn't start well with us missing each other at Barnes Station then missing the train to Shepperton. We then didn't realise you couldn't use your Oyster card for the whole way so each got a £4 fine. It then looked like it was going to rain but actually it didn't. It was a really beautiful walk and when we got to Hampton Court there were rowing races and floating weddings - all sort of merging into one. We walked to Kingston where I stopped off at John Lewis to buy a bit of trimming I needed - I resisted the temptation to try on a rather smart dress that I thought I might wear for ID Jane's party and rejoined Alison outside JL for a bit more of a plod as far as Teddington. We ended up at Alison's for yummy tea and home made chocolate chip cookies. The only downside was I ended up with a monster headache which I think was from not drinking enough water. I still have it,

One month to go

Only one month til the Big Walk. Oooh eck. Oh well, I'm walking lots now in preparation, though I have to admit I haven't been doing it with pack. Next week I will. Yesterday, the dog and I did a bit of rather blowy beach followed by some footpaths across fields until I was truly lost. We then had to do a roady bit which was a bit mean on verge and a bit heavy on traffic. Some of us learnt to tuck our tails in. We found our way home eventually and had our late breakfasts and felt brilliant.

Today Sensible Alison is taking me on a Thames walk, somewhere near reservoirs and islands and locks and things - Shepperton to Teddington. It's about 11 miles so it's excellent training ... if I make it without copping out half way.

Desert Island

Today I walked. I walked to Kingston - that hill should not be underestimated. I took the bus home due to a little retail therapy.

A new walks book arrived: The London Loop. My God, the walks are epic adventures and the loop is almost M25. It makes the Capital Ring, the previous walk I undertook, look like a stroll round the garden. Sensible Alison fed me a very unsensible tea of homemade chocolate chip cookies and gooey flap jacks and lent me The Thames Path - more walks with a Thames theme. Have you ever heard of Desborough Island? Me neither but it's in the middle of the Thames and you don't have to take your own discs so I thought we might go there on Saturday, weather permitting.

Deflation

Despite eating vast amounts of everything, all the wrong things, I do seem to have lost weight. I am much less huge. I must dash and do some walking; I seem to have become rooted to the spot. No bloody time! I always have to dash back from anything I'm doing in order to walk the dogs. I could take them on an epic walk but with the amount of sniffing they do it would take ages and they aren't really big athletic dogs like labradors just stupid smelly bits of fur that we love.

Forty thousand winks

Still large. No walking, no time. I have plodded the dogs but that's about it. I feel as though I could sleep for a year - too much good food and good wine and good times. I have people, people and more people coming and going and meeting and all eating. Perhaps they'd all like a nice long walk after their lunch, before their tea and then their dinner. I know I would, or maybe just a nice afternoon nap.

Camel woman

I packed up the backpack with simulated versions of things I will be taking on my walk such as bricks and dictionaries and, actually, it's OK - not too heavy at all. Of course I didn't use bricks but I did shove in some old clothes to get the load about right. I then didn't walk anywhere all day except to the polling station to cast my very important vote. I am going to have to do some walking today as I seem to have turned into a camel and am suffering from horrendous water retention which is making me feel quite unwell and very very large. I wonder if it was that pizza I ate or maybe I haven't been drinking much water lately. I will try to drink my 1.5litres a day and see if it makes a difference.

Sherpa shopping

I did not walk to the South Bank as there simply wasn't time. I cannot waste my entire day walking. I did waste most of my day walking. I walked to the Club where I swam lots, then I walked back. Then I walked to Asda with an empty back pack and I staggered back. I weighed the backpack. Not very heavy at all really but far too heavy for me to walk with. This makes me realise my pack has to weigh less that 10lbs for me to be able to carry it. OK. That means, 1 pair of socks and 1 pair of pants and a sketchbook ... oh and deodorant. In the meantime I will continue to practice with a heavy load. Well, I might pack my bag with all the things I'm taking on the Big Walk then I will know just how much I have to carry. Then I will half it.

Counting down

Yesterday I was in a big walking mood but I didn't really have any suitable walk. I didn't want to do Richmond Park again as I did that quite recently. I walked to Putney and mooched round the shops a bit then walked back then walked the dogs. Today I might walk to Waterloo as I now know how long it takes; I am going to the South Bank this evening and walking would be a good way of getting there - best foot forward.

It is only six weeks til The Big Walk. That would be fine if I wasn't still staggering to the corner shop. I am going to have to step up the pace a bit as my pathetic dawdlings aren't really suitable preparation for a coast to coast epic journey. Right, it's proper training now and every day too - not just when I feel like it.

Directional forces

Mr Smith bought me a compass at the weekend. I don't understand it. "How can one not understand a compass?" I hear you cry. Well, it has a red pointer and a black pointer and I don't know which is which and the day I find north we will be at the South Pole. Mr Smith says he's going to get me a gps signal that he will attach to my body so he can pinpoint me on a map then when I ring him, having done several circular routes, with "Help, I'm lost" he can say "Yes, so I can see." I think a little signal attached to google earth shouldn't be that tricky - just Mr Smith would never be able to operate it and anyway he wouldn't bother. To be honest he's not the best person to call with "I'm in a wood and I can see lots of trees, where am I?"

A seaside jaunt

Yesterday I took Mr Smith and the dog for a seaside walk. They thought they were having a gentle afternoon stroll but I marched them a good five miles across dune and beach. We were lucky as we missed the rain. The dog refused point blank to walk anywhere today - he is exhausted. All that sea air - it's good for them.

Marathon moments

Yesterday I walked to Kingston. Last time I did this I felt I would never walk again but it didn't seem very far this time. I must be improving, although I still walk at the rate of a tired tortoise. I bought a freezer which will be delivered next week. I thought of Arty Antonia and her running the marathon. She told me that after about 19 miles it felt as though someone had given her a fridge to carry, but she did complete the course - no mean feat. I am so glad I didn't have to carry my freezer home or run the marathon.

Seaside today. I will walk the beach - someone turn me round before I get to Portsmouth.

Climb every mountain

I climbed Box Hill. Now I know just how Jack and Jill felt. I got lost in the woods at the top but apparently everyone does that. At least I went in the right direction not just a great big circle.
Would I do it again? Mmm maybe but with a better map of the woods. I took my backpack with me but ended up unloading alot of the stuff in the car before I set out - it was just too heavy. I am going to have to be very very frugal on my holiday packing when I do the Big Walk; maybe a picnic rug isn't absolutely essential.

Don't drink and dive

Change of plan. I am now dragging myself up Box Hill instead of going to the seaside. I'll get Mr Smith to come with me to the coast on Saturday. I have to go to Dorking today so I may as well use my legs and get sand in my shoes at the weekend. I have got out a walk from my 1001 walks book and it looks mighty steep - never mind I'll just have to take my time. The big question is: with pack or without pack? I could take a lightly filled pack and a bottle of water. I will sing "Climb Every Mountain, Ford Every Stream" and be a big fat Reverend Mother all the way up the hill - well it'll make a change from One Man Went to Mow.

Yesterday I swam and it was lovely. I swam outside in the glorious sunshine and had the pool to myself. I had had a glass of wine at the bar with the Lovely Claudia (I was showing off the Club of which I am a member but hardly ever attend) and then got terrible hiccups during my swim.

Fat and Lazy

The She wee arrived. I am too embarrassed to even try it out.

Due to the static state of my being over the past two days I have put on 2lbs. Doesn't take long does it? Anyway, today looks too busy for a big walk so I think it will have to be a big swim followed by a small dog walk - sorry dogs.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to plan these walks as I am always a bit too busy with more fun activities like making cupcakes with my friend the Lovely Claudia or sipping tea and putting the world to rights with Arty Antonia in Bognor. However, when I get to the seaside tomorrow I will walk lots and lots dragging a sandy dog along behind me.

Walking on hot coals

My feet are now agony. The tops of them are red and itchy, very very itchy - on fire. I have bathed them in cold water and applied everything I could find in our medicine cupboard from pile cream to lyclear. I even considered bonjella but the tube was dry; I really must clear out the medicine chest. Having read up on symptoms on the internet I definitely have lyme disease or nappy rash. Actually, the nappy rash theory was probably the nearest with getting very hot and developing a little red rash - mmmm. I will get some zinc cream.

Meanwhile I am reluctant to put on my walking boots and do any more trudging. I might wear trainers for a bit and see if that's any better. I have to walk as I only did a teeny tadge yesterday and I ate an industrial sized bag of Minstrels washed down with the best part of a bottle of champagne. It was lovely but my weight isn't. Today I will get back on track.

Itchy and Scratchy

I managed a circuit of Richmond Park yesterday - 7.5 miles from door back to door. Average time 2.5 mph; I dawdled in parts. I didn't ache too much but I have got a problem with my feet; they've gone all red and puffy and itchy. Whether this is just rubbish socks or a violent reaction to my boots I don't know. I didn't ever have a problem before and I walked great distances in them around the Capital Ring. Today I shall buy new socks and some foot balm.

It is raining. This would be a good day to try out a wet walk. I'll do it in the car.

Space, the final frontier

When I am not staring into space, I am staring at maps. I have got the Big Walk into a bit of a muddle. I have a few friends to meet along the way and, whilst I am sure hampering my bold attempt at traversing the country is not at the forefront of their agenda, I know I will be easily distracted. The odd break in the proceedings is most definitely what is needed and, to be honest, any excuse to visit Manchester with a mate is fine by me. Also Liverpool. And Hull. And Barnsley. And Warrington. Oh I dare say I will stick one foot in front of the other at some point between Barnsley and Southport but, looking at my schedule, I'm not sure quite when. I'll stare at the map some more and then into some more space and it will come to me.

No walking today

Ordering a sunlounger might be unproductive but not as unproductive as lying in it and not walking anywhere. Anyway, it won't arrive until this sunny spate has dissipated.

Last night Mr Smith batted off in the wrong direction for our dinner destination so I got quite a long walk after all. I was rather tired as I had performed a mighty swim - well, not that mighty really but I did keep moving rather than just floating. The outdoor pool is open at the club. I toyed with the idea but it is still very chilly unless you are in the sunniest sunspot so I opted for the indoor one which was empty - just meeeeee. Someone still nicked my towel when I wasn't looking - a nice Polish assistant got me a new one. Perhaps he could come on my walk with me and hand me things when I need them.

Shewee

The she wee is more or less what it says ... a wee thingy for girls. It is so you can have a wee without having to take your knickers down which if you are on a very long walk and have to go behind a bush, like I will, might prove to be a useful device. Quite how one does it non-messily I am not quite sure. Basically, it looks a bit like a squashed sauceboat, plastic of course, with a little funnel at the end. I have ordered the extension hose. You are supposed to shove this in your knickers "discreetly" somehow and then have a wee which will be directed down the pipe so you can pee standing up just like a man (because of course that is something we have all wanted to do all our lives). Well, I have to admit that when it comes to outdoor peeing men do have the anatomical advantage - not any more! Then comes the tricky bit - you have to remove it from your knickers and pack it away. How you do that discreetly I do not know. Anyway, I have ordered one from Amazon and I will test it out in the shower and give you a full report.

Purposeful strides

There is probably some part of me that doesn't hurt but I can't find it. I did a ten miler with backpack today and my back aches. I made a bad socks choice so my feet hurt. Even my fingers hurt. I suppose I'll get used to this. The slight trouble is that it makes the everything else such hard work. When I got back from this expedition to darkest Colliers Wood and back I found the dishwasher needed emptying - groan; what an effort. I just want to lie down and sip tea now but the huge task of making the tea outweighs the gasping. I am sure things will get better as I get fitter and stronger and buy better socks. I do really love walking even if it is at the pace of a paraplegic snail with very old people overtaking me. There was a point coming up Wimbledon Hill when I thought if I went any slower I would actually be stationary. I considered calling Sherpa Services to carry my (almost empty) backpack for the last half mile to my house or even a taxi.

Now I'm off to walk the dogs.

Parking

I thought, rather than disturbing my jet lagged husband who is now back from America, I would sneak out early to Richmond Park and do a big walk. However, I stupidly took the dog who not only stopped at every lamp post on the way to the park but he then dived into the muddiest pond in pursuit of a very angry swan. He then felt crotchety and wet and muddy and wanted to go home. Result: a short walk to Sheen Gate and back. One day I will do a circuit of the entire park but I probably need to work up to that gradually. I am trying to get the clothing right. I am always too hot or too cold when walking. Too hot is OK as you can take something off and carry it. Note to self: wear a backpack containing sweater and waterproof.

Back chat

Yesterday I walked the dog and my new Karrimore backpack across Wimbledon Common to collect some ink cartridges from Chris the Ink in Southfields. We then did a little tour of Wimbledon Park and then home making it a 5 mile round trip. The dog was really good and not his usual ball & chain self but the backpack was heavy and hot and made by back sweaty. I now know what it feels like to be a snail. George, my man with the advice and the potatoes, suggests losing weight so you aren't carrying both your weight and the backpack weight. This means I need to weigh myself and fill the backpack with things apportionate to the weight I lose. E.g. oh no I mustn't eat that chocolate cake or I won't be able to take any spare shoes etc. I see this plan as slightly flawed with weak skeletal walkers staggering across Britiain under enormous loads.

I will have to get used to the backpack. I will wear it all the time until I get comfortable with it and become a Mutant Teenage Turtle. It might annoy Mr Smith in bed a bit.

Pack your bags

I have a new best friend, the chap in Blacks in Kingston who sold me a backpack. He's a Duke of Edinburgh Award instructor (which means outward bound things not making frightful social boobs that embarass the queen) and is superbly knowledgable about walking. He persuaded me to have a quite a big rucksack as the weekend ones weren't going to hold enough socks and pants. He was very impressed by the sound of my walk but dismayed at my hotel stays rather than pitching a tent in a thunderstorm on the Pennines. I explained I am older and wiser and richer than him and I have no intention of being remotely uncomfortable and much of my walking will be done by taxi. So we then downsized the backpack to the weekend one. If I am to follow the advice of George Todd (the author of the helpful website on distance walking), I should fill my backpack with potatoes and road test it on all training walks. He had a problem with this in that his wife surreptitiously used his potatoes, which resulted in him carrying half the load he intended, and the rest of them started growing tentacles. I think I'll opt for a couple of pairs of trousers, a bottle of water and some tacky souvenirs.

Aims and objectives

Walking is becoming quite addictive. I jump out of bed all ready for my next walk. This is all very well but I have to take it gently, building up bit by bit. My aim is to walk 20 miles with relative ease, not wear out my knee cartilages by day three. None of my walks on the Big Walk actually exceed 15 miles but I'd like to be able to manage 20 and still be able to walk the next day without needing a stretcher.

Today I will swim. This is called cross training to the conoscenti. See, I even talk the talk now. I will not walk to the swimming pool, I will drive. This goes against the grain but I seriously do need to ease up a bit on the walking today. I still have to walk the dogs, mine and my job - professional dog walker in my spare time. The dogs have been getting a bit of a raw deal lately as I am so knackered after my mighty walks they get weedy walks. Well, they will be included from now on unless I'm doing a ten miler. Fit dogs.

Lost in Space

Today I decided to do one of the premapped walks from our 1001 walks book. I chose Barnes rivery bit with Wetlands. I carefully took it out of the file, folded it neatly and slotted it into its little plastic pouch which I hung round my neck, like an Unaccompanied Minor on an aeroplane, and set off. It all went swingingly for about 2 miles but then the pathway was closed for tree cutting so I got lost and I walked a long way. The walk was supposed to be about 4 miles but somehow I managed 6. Mr Smith is right, I do have the sense of direction of a banana.

One thing I realise about walking on my own is it's a bit boring. Next time I will take a dog.... with good homing instinct - won't be ours then.

Somnambulism

I can't possibly go on my big walk as I can't find my pac a mac. It's red and I've never ever been able to fit it back into its little bag from the day I first took it out. I don't think I've ever actually worn it though I do remember taking it round London on the Capital Ring walks, so it's had lots of exercise.

I am tired; not because I've walked anywhere further than the nearest tree with the dog but because I dream all night long about my magnificent walk. I have walked from dusk til dawn and it's exhausting.

I spent the evening trying to work out hotels on the route and have opted for the more beautiful ones - there isn't always a choice unless you are prepared to go far off the map. Anyway, I always feel that a swimming pool is a beneficial feature to a hotel's repertoire whether I wish to splosh in it or not. Room service is also pretty essential as I will probably smell and want to eat my dinner alone. Well, that is to say, I will have a lovely bath, put on the fluffy towelling robe they provide and eat my dinner in bed watching crappy telly. Just like home ... with Mr Smith, the flunky, serving me my meal - dream on.

Aches & pains

Goodness me, I ache. Actually, it could be worse as 10 miles with no previous walking history in the past year was a bit daft really. Today I know just how the little mermaid felt when walking upon land.

I found a brilliant website telling you everything you could ever want to know about distance walking written by a chap called George Todd. I particularly like George because, like me, having done his training walk he then has to go out again to walk the dog. There was a particularly relevant bit about losing a bit of weight before starting a long distance walk and not just eating loads more to compensate for all the training you're doing - oh um er yup! I was just getting to the bit about what socks to wear when I fell asleep - not due to boring info but due to extreme fatigue after day's walk.

I found that most towns along the Pennine Trail have stations. This will save me from having two really long walks running and give me time to see the cathedral/ visit the gift shop. I will always walk some part of it every day just maybe not twenty bloody miles. And of course I will hide all bus/train tickets from Mr Smith.

The Battle of Waterloo

I walked to Waterloo - 10 miles or thereabouts and I now need a new right knee, a new left big toe and two new hips. It was rather far for a first attempt. I think one is supposed to work up the distances bit by bit.

I averaged a stunning 2.8 mph which, seeing as I was hobbling a bit, was pretty good.

I forgot my oyster card. Duh. However, I did remember my pedometer.

The train goes so fast - we were back in Putney in 15 mins; it took over 3 hours to walk.

Training Day 1

Actually I lied; I have walked a bit in my life. A couple of years ago a friend and I did get off the sofa for a leisurely stroll around London - 75 miles of stroll. But not all at once. We did the Capital Ring, a set of 15 walks that took us more or less the route of the North/South circular avoiding roads. It was nearly all fields, parks, woods, canals and rivers with the odd unavoidable streety bit and very pretty it was too. As we got further afield my pace improved, and Alison was no longer dragging this ball and chain around London, so we cracked through it pretty efficiently (with tea stops). It was a great way to spend our Saturday afternoons and I would recommend it to anyone particularly the Richmond/Isleworth bit.

I am starting my first day of training today and am hoping to cover about 9 miles along the Thames to the City. This is flat and therefore quite a good test of how fast I actually walk. I think I do about 2 miles an hour but would like to achieve 3-4. Actually, I'd like to cover about 20 miles an hour as this would make it all much easier. However, I will be realistic and set out with best foot forward.

Mrs Smith's Big Walk

The walk I am planning to perform in a few week's time is the Trans Pennine Trail. Coast to coast - Southport (Liverpool) to Hornsea (Hull). It comes in two parts and I am going to do the second part first.

A few things you should know before I embark:
I am not a walker. In fact I dislike most phyisical exercise. I only hate walking a bit less than I hate running. I am not fit. I am really fat. I am really lazy. I have never walked further than round the block in my whole life. I have no sense of direction. Oh, and I can't read a map.

Why on earth am I doing this? I dunno. I just fancied it. I'm bored with being lazy. I want an adventure. I want to see oop North a bit. I want a break from my family and the dog.

I will make you proud of me.