Climb every mountain

I climbed Box Hill. Now I know just how Jack and Jill felt. I got lost in the woods at the top but apparently everyone does that. At least I went in the right direction not just a great big circle.
Would I do it again? Mmm maybe but with a better map of the woods. I took my backpack with me but ended up unloading alot of the stuff in the car before I set out - it was just too heavy. I am going to have to be very very frugal on my holiday packing when I do the Big Walk; maybe a picnic rug isn't absolutely essential.

Don't drink and dive

Change of plan. I am now dragging myself up Box Hill instead of going to the seaside. I'll get Mr Smith to come with me to the coast on Saturday. I have to go to Dorking today so I may as well use my legs and get sand in my shoes at the weekend. I have got out a walk from my 1001 walks book and it looks mighty steep - never mind I'll just have to take my time. The big question is: with pack or without pack? I could take a lightly filled pack and a bottle of water. I will sing "Climb Every Mountain, Ford Every Stream" and be a big fat Reverend Mother all the way up the hill - well it'll make a change from One Man Went to Mow.

Yesterday I swam and it was lovely. I swam outside in the glorious sunshine and had the pool to myself. I had had a glass of wine at the bar with the Lovely Claudia (I was showing off the Club of which I am a member but hardly ever attend) and then got terrible hiccups during my swim.

Fat and Lazy

The She wee arrived. I am too embarrassed to even try it out.

Due to the static state of my being over the past two days I have put on 2lbs. Doesn't take long does it? Anyway, today looks too busy for a big walk so I think it will have to be a big swim followed by a small dog walk - sorry dogs.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to plan these walks as I am always a bit too busy with more fun activities like making cupcakes with my friend the Lovely Claudia or sipping tea and putting the world to rights with Arty Antonia in Bognor. However, when I get to the seaside tomorrow I will walk lots and lots dragging a sandy dog along behind me.

Walking on hot coals

My feet are now agony. The tops of them are red and itchy, very very itchy - on fire. I have bathed them in cold water and applied everything I could find in our medicine cupboard from pile cream to lyclear. I even considered bonjella but the tube was dry; I really must clear out the medicine chest. Having read up on symptoms on the internet I definitely have lyme disease or nappy rash. Actually, the nappy rash theory was probably the nearest with getting very hot and developing a little red rash - mmmm. I will get some zinc cream.

Meanwhile I am reluctant to put on my walking boots and do any more trudging. I might wear trainers for a bit and see if that's any better. I have to walk as I only did a teeny tadge yesterday and I ate an industrial sized bag of Minstrels washed down with the best part of a bottle of champagne. It was lovely but my weight isn't. Today I will get back on track.

Itchy and Scratchy

I managed a circuit of Richmond Park yesterday - 7.5 miles from door back to door. Average time 2.5 mph; I dawdled in parts. I didn't ache too much but I have got a problem with my feet; they've gone all red and puffy and itchy. Whether this is just rubbish socks or a violent reaction to my boots I don't know. I didn't ever have a problem before and I walked great distances in them around the Capital Ring. Today I shall buy new socks and some foot balm.

It is raining. This would be a good day to try out a wet walk. I'll do it in the car.

Space, the final frontier

When I am not staring into space, I am staring at maps. I have got the Big Walk into a bit of a muddle. I have a few friends to meet along the way and, whilst I am sure hampering my bold attempt at traversing the country is not at the forefront of their agenda, I know I will be easily distracted. The odd break in the proceedings is most definitely what is needed and, to be honest, any excuse to visit Manchester with a mate is fine by me. Also Liverpool. And Hull. And Barnsley. And Warrington. Oh I dare say I will stick one foot in front of the other at some point between Barnsley and Southport but, looking at my schedule, I'm not sure quite when. I'll stare at the map some more and then into some more space and it will come to me.

No walking today

Ordering a sunlounger might be unproductive but not as unproductive as lying in it and not walking anywhere. Anyway, it won't arrive until this sunny spate has dissipated.

Last night Mr Smith batted off in the wrong direction for our dinner destination so I got quite a long walk after all. I was rather tired as I had performed a mighty swim - well, not that mighty really but I did keep moving rather than just floating. The outdoor pool is open at the club. I toyed with the idea but it is still very chilly unless you are in the sunniest sunspot so I opted for the indoor one which was empty - just meeeeee. Someone still nicked my towel when I wasn't looking - a nice Polish assistant got me a new one. Perhaps he could come on my walk with me and hand me things when I need them.

Shewee

The she wee is more or less what it says ... a wee thingy for girls. It is so you can have a wee without having to take your knickers down which if you are on a very long walk and have to go behind a bush, like I will, might prove to be a useful device. Quite how one does it non-messily I am not quite sure. Basically, it looks a bit like a squashed sauceboat, plastic of course, with a little funnel at the end. I have ordered the extension hose. You are supposed to shove this in your knickers "discreetly" somehow and then have a wee which will be directed down the pipe so you can pee standing up just like a man (because of course that is something we have all wanted to do all our lives). Well, I have to admit that when it comes to outdoor peeing men do have the anatomical advantage - not any more! Then comes the tricky bit - you have to remove it from your knickers and pack it away. How you do that discreetly I do not know. Anyway, I have ordered one from Amazon and I will test it out in the shower and give you a full report.

Purposeful strides

There is probably some part of me that doesn't hurt but I can't find it. I did a ten miler with backpack today and my back aches. I made a bad socks choice so my feet hurt. Even my fingers hurt. I suppose I'll get used to this. The slight trouble is that it makes the everything else such hard work. When I got back from this expedition to darkest Colliers Wood and back I found the dishwasher needed emptying - groan; what an effort. I just want to lie down and sip tea now but the huge task of making the tea outweighs the gasping. I am sure things will get better as I get fitter and stronger and buy better socks. I do really love walking even if it is at the pace of a paraplegic snail with very old people overtaking me. There was a point coming up Wimbledon Hill when I thought if I went any slower I would actually be stationary. I considered calling Sherpa Services to carry my (almost empty) backpack for the last half mile to my house or even a taxi.

Now I'm off to walk the dogs.

Parking

I thought, rather than disturbing my jet lagged husband who is now back from America, I would sneak out early to Richmond Park and do a big walk. However, I stupidly took the dog who not only stopped at every lamp post on the way to the park but he then dived into the muddiest pond in pursuit of a very angry swan. He then felt crotchety and wet and muddy and wanted to go home. Result: a short walk to Sheen Gate and back. One day I will do a circuit of the entire park but I probably need to work up to that gradually. I am trying to get the clothing right. I am always too hot or too cold when walking. Too hot is OK as you can take something off and carry it. Note to self: wear a backpack containing sweater and waterproof.

Back chat

Yesterday I walked the dog and my new Karrimore backpack across Wimbledon Common to collect some ink cartridges from Chris the Ink in Southfields. We then did a little tour of Wimbledon Park and then home making it a 5 mile round trip. The dog was really good and not his usual ball & chain self but the backpack was heavy and hot and made by back sweaty. I now know what it feels like to be a snail. George, my man with the advice and the potatoes, suggests losing weight so you aren't carrying both your weight and the backpack weight. This means I need to weigh myself and fill the backpack with things apportionate to the weight I lose. E.g. oh no I mustn't eat that chocolate cake or I won't be able to take any spare shoes etc. I see this plan as slightly flawed with weak skeletal walkers staggering across Britiain under enormous loads.

I will have to get used to the backpack. I will wear it all the time until I get comfortable with it and become a Mutant Teenage Turtle. It might annoy Mr Smith in bed a bit.

Pack your bags

I have a new best friend, the chap in Blacks in Kingston who sold me a backpack. He's a Duke of Edinburgh Award instructor (which means outward bound things not making frightful social boobs that embarass the queen) and is superbly knowledgable about walking. He persuaded me to have a quite a big rucksack as the weekend ones weren't going to hold enough socks and pants. He was very impressed by the sound of my walk but dismayed at my hotel stays rather than pitching a tent in a thunderstorm on the Pennines. I explained I am older and wiser and richer than him and I have no intention of being remotely uncomfortable and much of my walking will be done by taxi. So we then downsized the backpack to the weekend one. If I am to follow the advice of George Todd (the author of the helpful website on distance walking), I should fill my backpack with potatoes and road test it on all training walks. He had a problem with this in that his wife surreptitiously used his potatoes, which resulted in him carrying half the load he intended, and the rest of them started growing tentacles. I think I'll opt for a couple of pairs of trousers, a bottle of water and some tacky souvenirs.

Aims and objectives

Walking is becoming quite addictive. I jump out of bed all ready for my next walk. This is all very well but I have to take it gently, building up bit by bit. My aim is to walk 20 miles with relative ease, not wear out my knee cartilages by day three. None of my walks on the Big Walk actually exceed 15 miles but I'd like to be able to manage 20 and still be able to walk the next day without needing a stretcher.

Today I will swim. This is called cross training to the conoscenti. See, I even talk the talk now. I will not walk to the swimming pool, I will drive. This goes against the grain but I seriously do need to ease up a bit on the walking today. I still have to walk the dogs, mine and my job - professional dog walker in my spare time. The dogs have been getting a bit of a raw deal lately as I am so knackered after my mighty walks they get weedy walks. Well, they will be included from now on unless I'm doing a ten miler. Fit dogs.

Lost in Space

Today I decided to do one of the premapped walks from our 1001 walks book. I chose Barnes rivery bit with Wetlands. I carefully took it out of the file, folded it neatly and slotted it into its little plastic pouch which I hung round my neck, like an Unaccompanied Minor on an aeroplane, and set off. It all went swingingly for about 2 miles but then the pathway was closed for tree cutting so I got lost and I walked a long way. The walk was supposed to be about 4 miles but somehow I managed 6. Mr Smith is right, I do have the sense of direction of a banana.

One thing I realise about walking on my own is it's a bit boring. Next time I will take a dog.... with good homing instinct - won't be ours then.

Somnambulism

I can't possibly go on my big walk as I can't find my pac a mac. It's red and I've never ever been able to fit it back into its little bag from the day I first took it out. I don't think I've ever actually worn it though I do remember taking it round London on the Capital Ring walks, so it's had lots of exercise.

I am tired; not because I've walked anywhere further than the nearest tree with the dog but because I dream all night long about my magnificent walk. I have walked from dusk til dawn and it's exhausting.

I spent the evening trying to work out hotels on the route and have opted for the more beautiful ones - there isn't always a choice unless you are prepared to go far off the map. Anyway, I always feel that a swimming pool is a beneficial feature to a hotel's repertoire whether I wish to splosh in it or not. Room service is also pretty essential as I will probably smell and want to eat my dinner alone. Well, that is to say, I will have a lovely bath, put on the fluffy towelling robe they provide and eat my dinner in bed watching crappy telly. Just like home ... with Mr Smith, the flunky, serving me my meal - dream on.

Aches & pains

Goodness me, I ache. Actually, it could be worse as 10 miles with no previous walking history in the past year was a bit daft really. Today I know just how the little mermaid felt when walking upon land.

I found a brilliant website telling you everything you could ever want to know about distance walking written by a chap called George Todd. I particularly like George because, like me, having done his training walk he then has to go out again to walk the dog. There was a particularly relevant bit about losing a bit of weight before starting a long distance walk and not just eating loads more to compensate for all the training you're doing - oh um er yup! I was just getting to the bit about what socks to wear when I fell asleep - not due to boring info but due to extreme fatigue after day's walk.

I found that most towns along the Pennine Trail have stations. This will save me from having two really long walks running and give me time to see the cathedral/ visit the gift shop. I will always walk some part of it every day just maybe not twenty bloody miles. And of course I will hide all bus/train tickets from Mr Smith.

The Battle of Waterloo

I walked to Waterloo - 10 miles or thereabouts and I now need a new right knee, a new left big toe and two new hips. It was rather far for a first attempt. I think one is supposed to work up the distances bit by bit.

I averaged a stunning 2.8 mph which, seeing as I was hobbling a bit, was pretty good.

I forgot my oyster card. Duh. However, I did remember my pedometer.

The train goes so fast - we were back in Putney in 15 mins; it took over 3 hours to walk.

Training Day 1

Actually I lied; I have walked a bit in my life. A couple of years ago a friend and I did get off the sofa for a leisurely stroll around London - 75 miles of stroll. But not all at once. We did the Capital Ring, a set of 15 walks that took us more or less the route of the North/South circular avoiding roads. It was nearly all fields, parks, woods, canals and rivers with the odd unavoidable streety bit and very pretty it was too. As we got further afield my pace improved, and Alison was no longer dragging this ball and chain around London, so we cracked through it pretty efficiently (with tea stops). It was a great way to spend our Saturday afternoons and I would recommend it to anyone particularly the Richmond/Isleworth bit.

I am starting my first day of training today and am hoping to cover about 9 miles along the Thames to the City. This is flat and therefore quite a good test of how fast I actually walk. I think I do about 2 miles an hour but would like to achieve 3-4. Actually, I'd like to cover about 20 miles an hour as this would make it all much easier. However, I will be realistic and set out with best foot forward.

Mrs Smith's Big Walk

The walk I am planning to perform in a few week's time is the Trans Pennine Trail. Coast to coast - Southport (Liverpool) to Hornsea (Hull). It comes in two parts and I am going to do the second part first.

A few things you should know before I embark:
I am not a walker. In fact I dislike most phyisical exercise. I only hate walking a bit less than I hate running. I am not fit. I am really fat. I am really lazy. I have never walked further than round the block in my whole life. I have no sense of direction. Oh, and I can't read a map.

Why on earth am I doing this? I dunno. I just fancied it. I'm bored with being lazy. I want an adventure. I want to see oop North a bit. I want a break from my family and the dog.

I will make you proud of me.